Life Has Changed

Yesterday I sang a solo in church. It is one I have sung many times - Come Unto Him from Messiah.  But this time was like no other.

I started singing church solos at age 14. I cannot even count how many - and my dad was my biggest fan. Always sitting a few rows back to my left.  He always wanted to sit where he could see my mom and I next to each other in the choir loft. Mom and I sat in the choir loft of two churches for almost 40 years together.  (The various directors somehow knew better than to try to separate us.)

When I am asked to sing, I do, because it is my offering. It is something I can do that sometimes touches people's hearts.  There have been many times I wanted to quit because I didn't feel my voice was dependable or good enough. But even the times that I felt awful about my performance, someone would be moved by it.  I'm not a professional, just an untrained soprano. It's a very humble offering, believe me.

I learned many years ago to never look at my dad while singing because there were often tears streaming down his face. Yesterday my dad was not sitting there and my mom was not either because of poor health.  It didn't really hit me until I sat down after the song, and then I was overwhelmed with grief and loss and the confusion of change.

My dad was supportive and proud of everything I ever did. I know I am just now experiencing what so many of you already have in this life.  I was more than blessed to have him here for his 91 years. Parents (and maybe siblings) are the only people you have known every day of your life so, even though I have lost friends and other relatives, this is much different.

I know my Dad is ok.  I believe in heaven and this is what I believe:
Heaven is the place, the everlasting life, where we receive everything we yearned for here on earth. As human beings we spend our lives searching for unconditional love, for perfect peace, for unknowable joy and for release from the cares of this troubled world.  This is the definition of heaven to me.  All will be known. All will be understood. All will be the peace that passes understanding. It will be nothing like being here - where we are left to grieve and wonder and wait.

Pie Jesu

Oh sweet Lord
untwist the harsh days of this world
and usher us into pure joy.
We are on our way to sleep,
wrapped in your infinite love.
Now, let the sky close
on all pain, and gift us
with our unearned requiem,
grant us everlasting rest.
Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem

Final Flight

When wings expand at last, each of us
will have one singular moment:
airborn, lifting free, voiceless.
We are made for final flight.

In this time between flights,
theirs and ours,
we wait out the unanswered days,
our senses permanently altered,

gliding through dreams and daydreams
tendrils of a spirit entwining us,
yoking us so close
to the line that we cannot cross.

Our hearts float in their own seas,
alone, searching for the voyager
who has crossed the uncrossable line
and left us behind.

Memories relentlessly skimming the edges
of our brains, sheathing themselves in eternity,
while ordinary life goes on
outside our earthly windows.

But someday the veil will be lifted
and we will be invited to the party
in the unknown Kingdom
in joyful reunion with our Maker.

Now we hold each other in broken arms,
we lift each other in hopeful prayers,
until we take our final glorious flight
away from the rabble of this known world.

Carry

lyrics by Tori Amos
from Night of Hunters


Love hold my hand
Help me see you with the dawn
That those who have left
Are not gone

But they carry on
As stars looking down
As nature's sons
And daughters of the heavens

You will not ever be forgotten by me
In the procession of the mighty stars
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you forever

You have touched my life so that now
Cathedrals of sound are singing
The waves have come to walk with you
To where you will live in the land of you

I will carry you forever

(Thinking of Louie 2/14/84 to 2/23/11)

Serenity

What's Your Idea of Heaven?

I recently read Keith Richards' memoir called "Life". I didn't read it because I was ever that much of a fan of the Rolling Stones, but I love to read about how people came to be who they are and do what they do. Always fascinating to me. Well, in this particular book I learned more about drugs than I ever needed to know and I do wonder how this man is still alive. It seems all successful groups break up at one point because of personality conflicts and usually one member tries to take over and be the star. (I just saw the musical "Jersey Boys" the other night. It's the story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons - many similarities. And what a great, entertaining show - I highly recommend it!)

I digress. There was one passage in Keith Richards' book that I found interesting. At no point did he profess to have a faith, but apparently he married into a religious family and therefore has had to do some reflection. This is what he wrote about heaven. Since none of us really have a clue about it this might be as good an explanation as any other. I kinda liked it.

"I've never found heaven, for example, a particularly interesting place to go. In fact, I take the view that God, in his infinite wisdom, didn't bother to spring for two joints - heaven and hell. They're the same place, but heaven is when you get everything you want and you meet Mummy and Daddy and your best friends and you all have a hug and a kiss and play your harps. Hell is the same place - no fire and brimstone - but they just all pass by and don't see you. There's nothing. No recognition. You're waving, "It's me, your father," but you're invisible. You're on a cloud, you've got your harp, but you can't play with nobody because they don't see you. That's hell."

The reason that makes sense to me is because A) I don't believe that my God is a punishing God. He made us, He loves us. B) I believe we are on this earth to learn to love each other and to love God. Period. That's what I believe. And if we did not take the chance to love those around us, if we ignored the presence of God all the days of our lives then maybe we deserve to just be alone. And that, indeed, would be hell.

Good Friday

One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him. "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!"

But the other criminal rebuked him, "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong."

Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."

Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise."

Luke 23:39-43