The Gift of Stressful Times

These past two years have been heartbreaking, revelatory and soul-changing.  It has also been stressful, exhausting and confusing.

I have been through several heart-wrenching and life changing times in my own life - divorce, depression, difficult relationships, stressful work situations - and yet I have discovered that a painful experience in your own life is nothing like watching someone you love going through trials.

Even after so much turmoil in my own emotional life I have discovered that being a daily participant in the end-of-life struggles of my beloved parents has been much more stressful.

I keep asking myself why I am not handling this better. Why it has completely consumed me and I cannot separate myself from what they are going through even when I am not with them.  My life revolves around their needs, physical and emotional.

The natural reaction seems to be to try to keep something of your own life intact.  Try to find stress relievers, a little joy amidst the sorrow.  That in itself is a huge effort and one that constantly gets slapped down as needs change, as unexpected crises arise.  You can never truly get away from your grief and concerns.

I began canceling out my own life because I couldn’t be counted on to fulfill any commitments. I did it willingly and said to myself - this is my life now and it’s ok.  I am grateful every day that I am now retired and yet that sense of constantly being torn between my life and theirs has not changed.

I feel like I am lost, unfocused and starting to slide into a depression.  Depression, I learned many years ago, happens when something is too much for someone to handle.

But this can’t be too much for me. I have no choice but to care for my mother now. I am extremely fortunate to have one other sibling to share the care-taking. How can it be too much when I am so willing to devote myself to this right now?

But on those days when I am off-duty I flounder. I still feel sad. I miss my father and want him back to help us through this.  We didn’t really have a chance to grieve his loss before we were consumed by my mother’s needs.

The stress comes not from chores and visits or from advocating for her welfare everywhere we go - but for making choices for someone else’s life. It is heartbreaking telling her she is once again going to the hospital or the rehab facility.  We spend a lot of time encouraging her and the rest of the time agonizing over how we will deal with the next need, the next change in plans.

There is not enough money to provide 24 hour a day home care and yet, that is what she needs right now.  Even though my father planned well for these years the money is quickly dwindling and we must make decisions about that as well. 

I believe what is needed now is to embrace this experience for everything that it is.  To stop the battle between her life and ours. Some of the effort is in trying to avoid the most difficult situations. Times of indignity and humiliation, times when nothing goes as planned.  

I have a praying family and I pray as well. Yet, one of my biggest life lessons has been that God does not make anything easier no matter how many prayers are sent up for you.  What will happen in this world will happen.  He does not make the elderly young again. He does not make care-taking pleasant. He does not heal the body when it is worn out. He does not follow our well thought out plans, or even give us what we are so sure we need ( which is usually to make it easier).

I have thought a great deal about prayer in these years because so many people say they are praying for you.  Even in my life-long faith I began to wonder what good prayer is when the situation never gets better or even clearer.  What exactly are we praying for?  We can pray all we want for someone to be healed, but if they have a life-threatening illness they will not heal. They will die anyway.

I have honestly not felt uplifted by prayer at this time in my life even though I have at other times. So what am I missing?  I am not blaming God for anything. This is life on this Earth and sometimes I long for heaven myself - something better than this.  Why is the journey to get there so difficult? Why do we never stop grieving those we have lost?

Then I think about how I have changed as a human being during this process. How much I have accepted, how much I actually have handled. That doesn’t mean there haven’t been tears (buckets-full)  or anger or frustration - but we have made it through so far.

We kept our Dad in his home until the end - and that was the plan. We spent two beautiful days surrounding him with love.  My mother knows she is loved and cared for and that we will do whatever we need to to help her through this transition in her life.  My own children are seeing and experiencing these years, which is something I never saw in terms of my own grandparents - and maybe they will do better than I have in the future.  I was given a beautiful, joyful grandson in the midst of the sorrow to brighten every moment I am with him.  He was and is a gift beyond measure and has probably saved me from true desperation.

I am more compassionate to others that have gone through these same trials (and most people have or will at some point since so many people are living longer). Maybe in the future I will be able to help someone else through the same thing.  I have a husband and friends who listen and care and when I am at the end of my rope. I have learned that my life is not really mine after all. Surrendering to what is has been an on-going learning experience for me in life. Service to others is something that is part of a rich and full life.  Compassion is a divine goal. Love is always the answer. 

Religion and Spirituality

For the first time in my life I have taken a "break" from church.  I have been very surprised to find my spiritual life growing without it. At first this was confusing to me, but  I have come to believe that church, while important, can lock you into only thinking about what you hear there week after week and season after season. After a time you may find yourself accepting that this is all there is to faith and spirituality - but I have experienced much more being away from church. I have also been seeking it and focusing on my spiritual growth, it didn't happen by accident.

Looking into meditation and Buddhist practices of tranquility may be, to some, not Christian. I disagree. It all works together beautifully. My prayer life has become much more about listening and less about asking. God speaks in the stillness.


These words from an interview with Ekhart Tolle are validating to my experience:

You can have religion with spirituality. You can have religion without spirituality.

Some people are so identified in their belief structure that they're completely trapped in their thinking. There is no spaciousness.

Any Christian who wants to go deeper into their own spirituality and not abandon their religion - there is depth in Christian teachings and in the words of Christ.

Musings on the Spiritual Life

So I continue the journey and I am fascinated by the common threads that have run through all my listening and reading so far - whether it is an Episcopal priest, a Buddhist monk, an Indian doctor or a scholar of miracles...

They are:

To be still and allow God to talk to you. The busier you are the more you need the stillness.

To pray to be in contact with God, to reach new levels of awareness to learn who you are beside a physical body (through meditation and prayer).

To live in the present moment. We do not have the past - it is gone. We do not have the future either. All we really have is now. 

To seek happiness because then you send it out into the world.

There is good and bad and Satan, or evil, stems from our ego. 

Ego is the enemy and it is inside of us. 

Pie Jesu

Oh sweet Lord
untwist the harsh days of this world
and usher us into pure joy.
We are on our way to sleep,
wrapped in your infinite love.
Now, let the sky close
on all pain, and gift us
with our unearned requiem,
grant us everlasting rest.
Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem

Final Flight

When wings expand at last, each of us
will have one singular moment:
airborn, lifting free, voiceless.
We are made for final flight.

In this time between flights,
theirs and ours,
we wait out the unanswered days,
our senses permanently altered,

gliding through dreams and daydreams
tendrils of a spirit entwining us,
yoking us so close
to the line that we cannot cross.

Our hearts float in their own seas,
alone, searching for the voyager
who has crossed the uncrossable line
and left us behind.

Memories relentlessly skimming the edges
of our brains, sheathing themselves in eternity,
while ordinary life goes on
outside our earthly windows.

But someday the veil will be lifted
and we will be invited to the party
in the unknown Kingdom
in joyful reunion with our Maker.

Now we hold each other in broken arms,
we lift each other in hopeful prayers,
until we take our final glorious flight
away from the rabble of this known world.

COEXIST XXXIII - The Kindness Alternative

On New Year's Day we had 45 friends, family and neighbors fill our home with joyful chatter and laughter. It was a wonderful way to start the year. Associating with so many dear people made me think about how kind and loving most people are - as opposed to the impression we are given of human beings through the media, news, TV, movies etc. I have a great deal of trouble listening to politicians and talking heads who do nothing but criticize and belittle others.

So this year as the presidential race gets going I propose the "Kindness Alternative." Don't let the animosity of those who have a platform cause you to lose faith in the kindness and goodness of people. Pay attention to your own speech and when you may be offending someone. Turn off divisive news and radio programs. Fill your life with good people. Stop all gossip, which is nothing more than judgement. Listen to others. Express yourself in a respectful manner. Be the change you want to see in the world.

So many of the presidential candidates boast of their Christian faith - but remember the example of Jesus. His example was of humility, forgiveness and grace. He told us to pray in private. His whole ministry was based on advocating for the poor and outcast over the wealthy and powerful. He told us to "turn the other cheek", which superceded the Old Testament "eye for an eye." He accepted and dined with the lowest members of society. He loved, not hated. He was a pacifist.

If you do not see the difference between the example of Jesus and the powerful, famous "Christians" we hear from in the media and politics then open your Bible and reread His words. Notice the things that Jesus did NOT say that are somehow attributed to Him now. I think you'll see the difference.

Table Grace

by Gary Johnson

Here we sit as evening falls
Like old horses in their stalls.
Thank you Father, that you bless
Us with food and an address.
And the comfort of your hand
In this great and blessed land.
Look around at each dear face,
Keep each one in your good grace.
We think of those who went before,
And wish we could have loved them more.
Grant to us a cheerful heart,
Knowing we must soon depart
to that far land to be with them.
And now let's eat. Praise God. Amen

Do You Pray? - Revisited

My last post stated that I had nothing to say - but surprise - I do! I scrolled down on my own blog and saw that I had written about prayer. Little did I know when I wrote that post that I would experience the subject in a whole new way a mere two weeks later when my life turned upside down.

My stepson unexpectedly died and everyone I ever knew sent their "love and PRAYERS" through calls, cards, emails,visits and Facebook messages. In my previous post I asked whether people were really praying or was that just a way of saying "I'm sending you good thoughts." So God answered my question in a most amazing way.

I FELT, with every cell of my body, the prayers that were being prayed for my husband and me. Can I explain what that means? Not really. No one's prayer took our pain away. No one's prayer stopped the flow of our tears. No one's prayer changed the shock and sadness. But this is what I experienced: A true sense of being lifted up, somehow held up, an undergirding of faith and hope. I cannot describe it better than that. There was hope and the promise of peace.

Going through the agony of a funeral home visitation and funeral is emotionally exhausting and confusing. In a moment your life has changed forever. But we made it. We were held up by all the beautiful things people said, by the stories of their own beliefs about heaven, by every hug and shared tear. This, to me, is the tangible expression of those prayers - and how it comforted us.

I also learned that during the weeks and months following a loss, prayers are needed as much as ever. Keep calling the grieving family, keep visiting, keep telling them beautiful things about their loved one - and especially keep praying for them.

Do You Pray?

When troubled times and tragedy come everyone says they are praying for you, for your family, for relief. A recent event in our family brought about many messages of prayers being said for us. It made me think.

Are they really praying, I wondered? What are they praying for? Is a prayer to them a passing good wish or real connection with God? (One person who claims to be an atheist offered a prayer - but to whom?)

After 40+ year of sincere praying for myself and many hundreds of others, this is what I have come to understand.

I believe prayer is true communication with our Creator and it enhances our relationship with Him - helps keep us in touch, if you will. I do not, however, believe that prayer alters the laws of science, or the random nature of the world. There seems to be occasional miracles but maybe they are miracles because we want them to be.

If an abundance of prayer cured cancer, then several of my close women friends would not have died in their 40's, 50's, 60's. Prayer did not heal the cancer that the earth gave them. This is what I believe prayer DID do for them. Gave them comfort, brought a sense of peace, took away fear and brought them close to the God they were moving out of this world to be closer to.

I think prayer works internally in the human spirit. It doesn't change circumstances, but it can change people. It doesn't erase heartache, but helps us through it. It gently guides us through life if we allow it to. It heals broken hearts if not broken bodies - the laws of nature God has already put in place will do that or not.

Prayer speaks to our souls and brings peace no matter what situation the planet has randomly placed us. It doesn't control us - it frees us.

Here's Your Answer

Did you hear the one about the man that was stranded on a rooftop after a flood? He prayed for God to help him. Soon a boat came by and offered assistance, but the man declined saying that God was going to help him. Then a helicopter flew over. . . yeah, you've heard it.

One of the frustrating parts of my job teaching kids with learning disabilities is that they know I'm there to help them and sometimes if I don't do a task for them, or tell them the answer I hear "You're not helping me!" I always tell them I am not in fifth grade, they are, and they won't learn if I do it for them. As parents we've all said the same type of thing.

Recently Terry Pluto, a writer for the Cleveland Plain Dealer wrote an article called "There are times when God doesn't want prayers." Hmmm, interesting.

". . .some of us have prayed our way into paralysis. We know what we're supposed to do - but we'd rather pray than do it.

He gave examples of people asking for prayer and being told by friends that they already were capable of doing what they were asking for - so just do it! I thought about something I've prayed, cried and agonized over for years and I realized that it was not that I couldn't do it - it was that I wanted God to make it easier for me. The glaring fact that He has not done that made me think He wasn't helping! Yikes! I sound like my fifth graders!!!

Sometimes we pray to be able to accomplish something and the reply is: " What is standing in your way?"

And really the only answer is : me.

Loud Silence

I turned down the volume of life
to be quiet with God -
for I cannot hear Him

over the din of children in school halls,
the vacuum sucking dirt from my rugs
or the traffic sounds on my daily route.

The only sound was the speaking of my failures
and fears as I curled up in His open hand
to find grace with no language.

What will I do with something
I cannot attach words to?
Stop and wait for His poetry, not mine.

I heard the vocalizing of my tears
as they washed my corneas of the world,
making way for new eyes.

My nativity was at the bedside,
sore knees, leaking nose and a vow to
stop assigning God new jobs and accept
the one He's given me.

Fragile as Glass

This is a glass plate my daughter gave me (hmmm - did it remind her of me?) Today it illustrates how I feel. I don't think it's just the craziness of my work schedule. I think that we absorb stress without being conscious of it. Stressors are all around us. Even if you initiated a moratorium on all media and didn't hear about the economy and your shriveling 401K, or the innocent young men and women dying in Iraq, or the Presidential candidates calling each other names like 9 year olds - the vibrations of dis-ease are still all around us. There are political signs and billboards, there are conversations in the work hallways, there are YouTube videos being mailed to you - it's hard to get away from! I feel an inner tension and weakening patience. I have decided to start saying a daily prayer that I treasured long ago. It helps.

Create in me a pure heart, O God
and renew a right spirit within me.
Do not cast me from Your presence
or take Your holy spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12

AMEN.

More on Prayer

(click on to enlarge)

Now here's a really great prayer. Did you ever read the whole thing? Even though it's not from the bible, you have to believe that it was divinely inspired since it has helped so many people. Yesterday I wrote that I don't pray for every little thing. That comes from the experience of being a part of several prayer chains for years. When it got to the point that we were praying for someone's stubbed toe I thought -there's something wrong here. That toe or broken leg will heal because of the miraculous way he made our bodies. He already provided for that. If something is not going to heal than the person needs faith to accept that. Prayer shouldn't be a grocery list of all the stuff we want - prayer works inside of us. It allows us to feel God's presence. He may not give you a new car - but He will give you contentment, joy, a peace that passes all understanding - that's something the world can't do for you. When Jesus said, "Come to me all that are weary and I will give you rest" I think He meant - I'll put it all into perspective for you. You'll be able to handle it with Me by your side. Think about the Lord's Prayer. All it says is - give me what I need to live today and forgive me because I'm going to screw it up anyway. At a time when I really needed healing this was my daily prayer:

Create in me a pure heart , O God

And renew a right spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

Psalm 51:10

And He did.

Car Wreck vs. Prayer

Do you ever feel like your life is one gigantic car wreck? No one is killed, but there are some major injuries and you can't believe they will ever heal. Ever try praying and get a busy signal? You want to believe that God loves you. You want to believe that He hears you, but He seems silent in His concerns for your everyday life. I think this experience leads many people to doubt His existence and love. In Sunday School we sang Jesus Loves Me, the Bible tells us to cast all our cares on him because he cares for us. So why the cold shoulder?

Conversing with God is not unlike building a relationship with another human. It takes time and effort to get to know each other. In forming a friendship we have to believe that the other person is interested in knowing us. It's a bit of a commitment. It's two-way. If you talk then you have to listen too. That's the hard part with God because he usually doesn't have a voice like a person - probably because He's God.

After a lifetime of prayer I have stopped praying for every little worldly thing. I have stopped praying for sick people to be healed. I have learned that God doesn't alter the laws of nature or the ways of the world. What He does is give us strength to handle what comes and the hope to keep going. He may be Almighty, but I figure if He healed every person who was sick then the world would be quite overpopulated by now. Sickness and death are part of life. Divorce, emotional pain, financial problems are part of the world we live in and most often a result of our own choices.

You wouldn't want a God that followed you around taking all your choices away, would you? Don't get me wrong - my faith is as strong and ever-present as it ever was - but life experience and a lot of praying has taught me that I can't live without my relationship with God and if there is one thing I know it is that He has been with me through all that this world has thrown my way. He's let me make mistakes and He's helped me grow through them. So, life does not have to be a car wreck. If it is, with God's help you can pull your car out of that mess and drive away - a little bruised and bumped, but on your way to healing.