The Assault on the Spirit of a Girl

I have never been sexually assaulted, unless you count the assault on my innocence and self-image as a young woman. This long overdue “Me Too” movement has prompted me to think of how much I was shaped as a female and a human being by the actions and words of men. Men who felt free to comment, stare at, and belittle me without hesitation or the least bit of concern for what they were doing. We have heard a lot about unwanted advances and physical attacks. I have not read anything about the subtle damage that can be done to young girls by consistent objectification by men. It traumatizes the spirit and self-esteem of females. It’s something most of us just learned to live with, even if at times, traumatic.

This is something men cannot possibly understand. There is no equivalent for a boy’s experience. Men often think mere comments are harmless and should be taken as compliments or jokes. But they are not. They are damaging and demeaning to a young woman’s sense of self and understanding of her place in society.

At the innocent age of thirteen I developed breasts much too large for my 5’2” petite body.  I didn’t ask for them and I did not enjoy the attention they received.  Up until then I only knew the love and affection of my father and grandfather. My favorite teacher in sixth grade had been a man. Males were safe until my breasts showed up.

Suddenly men were hanging out of truck windows and shouting at me as I walked home from school. Boys were staring at my chest in the most obvious ways. Adult males commented as I walked through a mall, even turned around and gaped. My mother was shaken by this turn of events and started buying me matronly clothing and swimwear which just furthered my humiliation. I went from being a carefree and happy girl to receiving the message that I must cover-up and become inconspicuous as possible so I didn’t provoke male attention.

Unfortunately, the things I loved to do involved gymnastic outfits and performing on stages. I was a natural gymnast. I spent my childhood cartwheeling and flipping across the front lawn, but by eighth grade I dropped out of gymnastics because of my discomfort with my body and the uniform I was required to wear.  

At that age I discovered I could sing. My parents were thrilled and supportive. My church and the musicians there provided me with plenty of opportunities. I felt self-conscious in front of people no matter where I went, but at least church often included a bulky choir robe. Later, I did pursue musicals on stage but I was always aware of how the men in the audience were viewing me.

Throughout my teens and young adulthood my breasts were a millstone, a burden. Every piece of clothing I tried on in a store was evaluated by how much it de-emphasized my chest. I hated the off-handed comments of men like, “If you drop some food at least you have a shelf to catch it,” or wearing a Disneyland shirt, “Boy, does Mickey have big ears!” I’m sure men thought those comments were harmless, but they diminished me more every time I heard them.

At my first teaching job at age 22 the principal would comment on what I wore everyday. Each afternoon he would stand at the door of my classroom and stare at me—not the students or the lesson—just me.  I wouldn’t have dreamed of saying anything. When I think about how insecure and unworldly I was then I am almost sure I would not have reported a sexual assault either. My breasts were a part of me and I considered them my fault and my responsibility. It would be decades until I found my voice and would be strong enough to be assertive or defend myself against anything that would diminish my personhood. 

At the age of 40 I had breast reduction surgery at the urging of my respectful and loving husband. At the time I was teaching a college class. When I returned after the surgery it was the first time in my life that I felt comfortable standing in front of people. The very first time.

In our society there is terrible assumption of men believing they are entitled to say what they want to a woman, to look her over, sometimes to touch her as they desire. Not all men, of course. But that is the point. It is not an entitlement of manhood. It is not natural or just a “boy thing.” I don’t believe that crudeness in referring to women is part of “locker room talk” because the men I know, the men I have the utmost respect for, also respect women.  Most men are capable of loving a woman for who she is not just for their favorite body part. We need to teach young boys that it is not a presupposition to treat a woman as personal entertainment. Adult men who think it is need to grow up.

Half of Us

Half of Us

Half of us remember the water and air pollution of the 1970’s when streams and lakes were too filthy to swim in, air dangerous to breathe, animals and birds endangered and nearing extinction. The EPA worked for decades to create a healthy, safe environment for Americans.  Half of us now think that a manufacturer has the right to pollute public waterways and air in favor of making more money. Half of us do not care about the health of the next generation—corporations are more valued.

Half of us value public schools that have provided free education to all American children in their neighborhoods.  Half of us want school choice that would drain the resources from public schools and still only provide choice to the lucky ones who have parental advocates and a quality charter school within their neighborhood. This would possibly provide a better education for some, not for all.  Half of us believe we simply need to support and help public schools reach their potential not continue to take from them—then every child will benefit. This also starts with reform for fair and constitutional funding of all public schools.

Half of us say that government should stay out of our lives, but think it’s okay to tell a woman what to do with her body and make decisions that will impact the rest of her life. The other half of us are most likely not in favor of abortion, but understand that we are not in that woman’s shoes and cannot possibly know her circumstances. 

Half of us call ourselves pro-life but are not concerned about the lives of poor unwanted children after birth or that 30 million American children are hungry everyday. Half of us want to take away preventative care, prenatal care, contraception (which prevents unwanted pregnancy) and check-ups for those who have no where else to go, but call themselves pro-life. Babies, children, adults and the elderly—all are alive.

Almost all of us can trace our family history to immigration, yet half of us have decided that all immigrants should be demonized for the actions of a very few. Half of us boldly proclaim our patriotism but deny that freedom of religion applies to every religion, not just our own. 

From 2005 to 2015 there were 24 American deaths from terrorism. In that same decade 280,000 Americans died by gun violence at the hands of other Americans. Even though there are no recorded instances of someone saving others with a gun and there are thousands of instances of innocent bystanders being killed by guns, half of us think gun rights are more important than the right to safety and life.

Half of us are vocal and vigilant about defending the American flag, the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem. Those traditions and ceremonies do not make America great unless they apply to all Americans no matter their race, religion or gender. Discrimination of our fellow Americans is still overwhelmingly present in our society. 

Half of us revere the Constitution yet disparage those exercising their First Amendment rights when we do not agree with their stance.  Peaceful protest has brought about change in this country from Civil Rights to the end of the Viet Nam War to Women’s rights to vote. Freedom of speech and assembly applies to everyone—all the time.

Why the Marches Were Necessary in 2017

For those who have disparaged the marches/protests that occurred all over this country the day after the inauguration:

The First Amendment not only allows peaceable assembly (and it was peaceful in all 600 marches) but “to petition the government for a redress of grievances.” This means we have the right to complain or seek assistance from our government without fear of punishment or reprisal.

Other have reduced the events to an abortion rights march. Not even close. The Cleveland march had 6 speakers. Only one spoke about reproductive rights. The others expressed concerns about Trump’s campaign promises to take away affordable health care, LGBT rights, environmental progress and to build a wall, as well as his many bigoted, misogynistic and racist remarks throughout the campaign—and making fun of the disabled.

There is great support for Planned Parenthood because they provide preventative and basic women’s healthcare as well as contraception, which, by the way, prevents unwanted pregnancy and abortions.

Although there were many men at these marches it was a women’s march because our new president has repeatedly shown his disrespect for women. He has been accused countless times of sexual misconduct. He has been recorded admitting to being a sexual predator, he rates women’s looks, calls women names like pigs, slobs, and nasty. He finds women’s menstrual cycles and breastfeeding disgusting—and we’re supposed to be quiet?

We are concerned about the Cabinet being filled with unknowledgeable billionaires, most of whom don’t believe in the their post:  A science-denier to run the EPA, an opponent of public education to head the Education Department…

On election night Trump promised to be a president for all Americans. But on inauguration day LGBT was deleted from the government website. That’s over 8 million people and their families that he is ignoring already.  He had a great opportunity to reach out to the concerned and fearful citizens about the marches, but instead in his tweet he asked why we hadn’t voted. 

We did vote Mr. President. We are the three million MORE that voted for Hillary Clinton. We are the majority. Get used to it.

The Day After the Inauguration

Cleveland is not a large city but this is a photo of our Public Square today. I was proud to be an American as I stood with thousands of men and women in concern for human rights in this country under the new administration.  It was a peaceful, respectful and calm day. (It was 60 degrees and sunny on a January day!) It is a grassroots movement happening not just all over America today, but all over the world, in solidarity with us. It is exhilarating, it is hopeful, it is democracy in action.

Yesterday was not an encouraging day for the majority of Americans. Many of us despair at the thought of going backward into the inequalities of the past. We are afraid for our daughters and millions of women not having access to health care and contraceptives. We are afraid for our grandchildren and the unsafe and unstable planet they may live on. We are afraid for our LGBT friends and family that may have their basic rights reversed. We are afraid of our immigrant neighbors enduring even more discrimination and bias than they already have.  We cannot tolerate a leader who makes fun of disabled people and blatantly disrespects women. 

As a retired teacher I, and all my teaching colleagues, are horrified at the nominee for Secretary of Education. She does not know the most basic education laws or issues. She is against the public schools and supports charter schools that have been nothing but failure and are not for ALL children, just the lucky few. 

When I looked at the many and diverse homemade signs today I saw what people are FOR not AGAINST. We are FOR our fellow Americans and their rights. We are FOR healthcare and  excellent  education and saving our planet.  The opposers are AGAINST everything. They are about taking things away starting with affordable health care for millions of Americans. 

The new president already broke his promise to be the president of all Americans (stated on election night) when his administration removed LGBT rights and climate control from the government website. 

There was an estimate of 15,000 in Cleveland today, 500,000 in Washington, 175,000 in Chicago. There are hundreds of marches all over this country.  The president's Twitter account is strangely silent today. 

TODAY I am proud to be an American. What a difference a day can make. 

What Makes A Woman

Well, I am not going to mention her name because it's been over-sensationalized, but there is a famous person who suddenly became a woman. We have been bombarded with photos of her looking very much like a statuesque beautiful woman. But is she a woman just because she looks like one?

I am all for people being who they want to be. I do not know why some people are born in the so-called wrong body or why some people are not solely heterosexual, but I am sure that none of them would choose their circumstances (unless they enjoy being bullied, hated, judged, and discriminated against personally and in the law, or living a lie.)

Allowing other people to be who they want to be without any harassment or judgement seems to me to be the least we can do for each other as human beings. So, I am totally fine with this famous person finding her happiness and stop living her lie.

But……

I am going to quote Elinor Burkett who recently wrote a piece in the New York Times.

People who haven't lived their whole lives as women shouldn't get to define us. That's something men have been doing for much too long….they cannot stake their claim to dignity as transgender people by trampling on mine as a woman.

Their truth is not my truth. Their female identities are not my female identity. They haven't traveled through the world as women and been shaped by all that this entails.  They haven't suffered through business meetings with men talking to their breasts or woken up after sex terrified they'd forgotten to take their birth control pills the day before.  They haven't had to cope with the onset of their periods in the middle of a crowded subway, the humiliation of discovering that their male work partners' checks were far larger than theirs, or the fear of being too weak to ward off rapists.

Hmmm, interesting, right?  As a woman, can't you think of dozens of other emotional and physical experiences that men have never had?

Developing large breasts by the age of 13 completely changed me and affected every day of my life after that. I did not want them (that big).  I hated the attention they drew. It stopped me from continuing things I loved like gymnastics.  Throughout high school I never knew if a boy liked me or them. I couldn't wear the same clothes my friends wore.   THAT, for example, is an experience only a female can understand.

This article did not change my beliefs about people who struggle with gender and sexual identity issues at all but it did make me say - yes, being born a female is a completely different experience than this particular person saying at the end of an interview that she most looked forward to wearing nail polish.  I never wear nail polish and yet, I have lived a lifetime of being a woman.

My Two Cents - The 2012 Election

I have spent more time reading and reflecting upon the politics of the United States during this long and tedious campaign season than I ever have in my lifetime. I am a progressive and believe in the social policies of the Democratic party. However, I made a true effort to understand the conservative Republican way of thinking. Many years ago I identified myself with the Republican party, so it was not as difficult as you might think.

But, as I have written in the preceding posts, my life experiences opened my eyes to the reality of the country I live in.  It is not the country I grew up in - or at least the one I perceived in the 50's and 60's.  After the election one commentator said: "The Republican party is a "Mad Men" party in a "Modern Family" world.  ( In reference to a TV program set in the 1960's versus one set in 2012 with a diverse extended family.)

The fact is that we do not live in a country made of middle-class white families with two children and a dog. Maybe we never did. Maybe that was our own personal experience.

We do live in a country of Hispanics, Blacks, immigrants, gay people, Muslims, Jews, Christians, atheists and many struggling people - sometimes through no fault of their own. People who did not have the opportunities, encouragement or support from their middle-class families as many of us did.

I get the fact that there are those who would take advantage of the welfare system. I get the fact that many people resent paying their hard-earned money to care for those people. The problem is that we all pay for the consequences of poverty anyway. Think about it.

I think everyone agrees that government should not constantly interfere in our lives. It's just that we look at that two different ways.  I think preventing people in committed relationships from marrying is government interfering in their lives. I think the government telling a woman what she can do with her own body is interfering in her life.

I see posts on social media by people I know to be very patriotic in their thinking. But those posts today reflect a negativity and unwillingness to respect our re-elected president. To me this is the opposite of patriotism. It is saying  - my way or no way.  It is what we have identified as being wrong with Washington - the inability to work together for the good of the country.  There were Republicans who admitted that their main goal was to make Obama fail. It was heard by many pundits and news anchors as well. If that is one's stance then they can call themselves a party member, but cannot call themselves an American. Because we are all America.

Obama received 332 electoral votes to Mitt Romney's 203 and it was clear that the minorities, women, and immigrants in this country favored Obama. As soon as we all face the reality of what our country is, not what we wish it was,  and we begin working together - only then will be truly to call ourselves the UNITED States of America.

Umoja

I wrote this poem years ago after reading a newspaper article on Umoja.  PBS just ran a two-night show called Half of the Sky about women in third world countries.  And I saw Rebecca and Umoja in the show!  It is from my chapbook "Liquid Rubies".

Umoja

Sitting cross-legged on a sisal mat, 

thatched roof and the equator sun above,

Rebecca holds the 13-year-old girl’s hand 

You don’t have to marry that old man 

even if he is my brother.

Rebecca goes house to house

You don’t have to have sex with a man

that beats you, exposes you to HIV,

a husband with other wives.

Shamed by rape then abandoned

Rebecca’s women grow a circle of mud 

and dung huts in parched and barren grassland

and call it Umoja, in Swahili, unity.

A sanctuary for Sarah’s little girl body

from bearing a child that would have shredded

her insides, causing her to leak, to smell,

to be shunned into a beggar’s existence.

No men live in Umoja,

a haven for Mary from circumcision,

mutilated gentials that would have forever 

brought pain and denied pleasure.

In Umoja, children go to school for the first time, 

women work in the cultural center

inviting tourists into the beauty of Kenya,

selling red and white Samburu beaded necklaces.

Rebecca ignores spiteful men setting up

their own village, spying, failing to imitate

Umoja’s success but hiring the men to haul firewood 

as women change the rhythm, the power of a village.

Rebecca throws back her brown cloud of hair, 

laughs at stone throwing and death threats 

as she boards a plane to a world conference on

gender empowerment an ocean away.

If you remain silent no one thinks you have anything to say.

Black Dress

The black dress had a singular sound and feel,
the Audrey Hepburn dress, the clerk said, and it was sold.

A wide décolleté draped with a wavy collar framed my cleavage.
It wrapped around my ribcage like a baby's swaddling

pulled me in tight and feminine, the swishing skirt flared
to my calves with the urgency to twirl.

The rhinestones on the cuffs and swinging from my earlobes
matched the ones on my shoes and around my neck.

I opened my handbag to check on the two cotton handkerchiefs
I had been given, then I momentarily put my carefully made-up face

in my hands, but caught the tears before they marred my visage.
I moved down the aisle in a happy trance and sat down

to watch my son begin the life I had always dreamed for him.

Quotes on Equality

Gay people are born into and belong to every society in the world. They are all ages, all races, all faiths. They are doctors and teachers, farmers and bankers, soldiers and athletes. And whether we know it, or whether we acknowledge it, they are our family, out friends, and our neighbors. Being gay is not a western invention. It is a human reality.

Hilary Clinton

The truth is that male religious figures have had - and still have - an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have for their own selfish ends overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuous choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of women throughout the world.

Jimmy Carter

Timely Quotes from Women Long Ago

A woman's body belongs to herself alone. It does not belong to the United States of America or any other government on the face of the earth.. . . Enforced motherhood is the most complete denial of a woman's right to life and liberty.
Margaret Sanger, 1937
Founder of Planned Parenthood whose work led to the legalization of contraception in the US.

I realize that patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone.
Edith Cavell
Nurse, humanitarian
1865-1915

Civilization is a method of living and an attitude of equal respect for all people.
Jane Addams
Women's suffragist and founder of Hull House
1860-1935

Because man and woman are the compliment of one another, we need women's thoughts in national affairs to make a safe and stable government.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Women's suffragist 1815-1902

Love Thy Neighbor

When you hear potential leaders of our country disrespecting each other,
When you hear millionaires say that poor people should just get a job,
When you hear them say that people without health care should die,
When they judge some fellow Americans and would deny them the same rights that we all cherish, the same ones that allow us the "pursuit of happiness".
When they claim that abortion is wrong but not funding programs for all the impoverished unwanted children is ok,
When they believe they should decide whether women should have access to contraceptives -

When these people call themselves Christians,
ask yourself what "Love Thy Neighbor" means to you.
Look in your Bible for a list of exceptions to that rule.
You won't find them anywhere.

Photoshop of Horrors

If at my age, I am still secretly comparing myself to images on television and in magazines I can only imagine what it's like for teenaged girls growing up in the age of Photoshop. Recently,Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Connie Schultz reported on a popular website for 18-34 year olds called Jezebel.com. Whenever the website discovers unretouched photos of celebrities they post the before and after Photoshopped photos. One of their first ones was a photo of singer Faith Hill on the cover of Redbook in July 2007. Connie Schultz wrote "The difference between the two images was not just striking, but stomach-turning. Editors had digitally poofed up her hair, deflated her cheeks, shaved inches off her left arm and removed her right arm altogether. They erased fine lines from her face, the protruding clavicle from her chest and the tiny bit of back flesh blooming over the top of her sundress. Her previously small waist was whittled to the size of a 10 year-olds."

Why? What's wrong with being a naturally pretty woman? Why do magazines that are supposedly for women make us all look at images that are literally impossible to live up to?

For awhile I subscribed to a magazine called "More" because it was promoted as a magazine for women over 40. Great, I thought. But after awhile I became really annoyed with a section called "This is what 40 looks like, or 50 or 60..." But of course the women looked nowhere near those ages. I thought here we are again - being told to live up to perfection.

My favorite chuckle of every month is seeing how Oprah miraculously loses 30 or 40 pounds for her magazine cover and somehow gains it all back for the taping of her show. Who are they kidding???

Schultz quoted Jezebel editor Jessica Coen: Remember that every day a young woman somewhere sees one of these overly polished pictures for the first time... and has no idea that they're not real...She may well have no idea that most waists don't really bend without a roll of flesh, that a 40-year old woman actually does have some wrinkles, that no mascara will make one's lashes long enought to tickle her eyebrows. What the girl does know is that the pictures show What is Beautiful. She thinks they are reality. And maybe she doesn't have someone in her life to point out that this is complete and utter bullshit.

Above you can see an unretouched photo of Madonna looking like, well, kinda like a 52-year old woman who is in good shape. The Brittany Spears photo is a small example of retouching. You can click to enlarge.

In the Fullness of Time

I recently read a book called "In the Fullness of Time," a collection of essays by women reflecting on aging.

This passage particularly touched me as I thought about my daughter, newly in love, and I shared it with her, hoping she will appreciate the lovely time she is experiencing:
The woman looks at the pink and sees that she will never be a bride or pregnant, and if she is lucky enough to fall in love, it won't be the way love was when she was younger, because when she was younger she had time. Simple, beautiful, abundant time.

These passages are from Vivian Gornick:

An aging face can never mean to a man what it means to a woman, as youthful beauty has never been a provider of the goods of life for men as it has been for women.

It is not, I believe, the fear of death that threatens but the fear that our lives are not being lived; or rather, that we are not living them.

A young woman needs to do nothing to gain attention and consideration. She need only be. Her unadorned existence provides interest and animation, in return for which she receives unearned privilege. For a middle-aged woman it is otherwise, as she watches low-level attention (and some unearned privilege) evaporate from her life as a result of no longer looking young.

When I was young, there always seemed to be a crowd of people (mostly men) waiting around to hear what I had to say. Today, when I'm out among people, I find myself either ignored or patronized. Men talk to me as if I'm an idiot. It's as though I've committed a transgression by getting older, and I'm being isolated for it.

Any thoughts Ladies?

If Women Controlled Medicine

. . . Except he'd be screaming and never go back :)

A Borrowed Poem

Things will be busy the next couple of weeks as school (and work) begins again for me. Please bear with me if posts are elusive for a little while. Meanwhile I am borrowing a poem to share written by my friend and Cleveland Heights poet laureate Gail Ghetia Bellamy. This is one of my favorites:
Tall Kitchens
by Gail Ghetia Bellamy

In my first marriage
we moved a lot
and I struggled
in tall kitchens
where other women
had hung their tea cups
and stored their grandmothers'
turkey platters
I tried to
hit all the hooks
reach all the shelves
and make fresh-baked pies
with good apple smells
that would waft from
windowsills
to backyards
so none of the neighbors
would notice
how short I fell.

Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History

This is taken from "The Writer's Almanac" on July 11, 2009.

It's the birthday of the woman who first said "Well-behaved women seldom make history"; historian and writer Laurel Thatcher Ulrich born in Sugar City Idaho (1938). She wrote several books about the lives of women in colonial New England, including A Midwives Tale (1990), which won the Pulitzer Prize for history. And back when she was a graduate student, she wrote an obscure academic article about Puritan funeral services and she included the quote "well-behaved women seldom make history." She was saying that nobdy paid much attention to the group of ordinary law-abiding Puritan women she was writing about, because everyone was so focused on the women accused of witchcraft in Salem. But her quote got taken out of context and used as a rallying cry for women to break away from their expected roles and misbehave. It got reprinted on T-shirts, bumper stickers, mugs and tote bags. And finally she decided that if she was getting so much press in the mainstream culture, she might as well use it, and she wrote a book with the same title, published in 2007. The cover features a woman wearing a shirt with the authors' own famous quote.

Postscript to a Poem

Women who decide to embrace the maturity and intellectual attainment of middle age are far more attractive than the sad specimens clinging like desperate survivors to the sinking raft of youth.
Daniel Bell

Glory Days

One more fifty year-old female face
in the obituaries
prompted a decision -
prepare to die or
begin to live
a life unfettered
from the straightjackets of youth
she emptied the anger
from her ego-tattered brain
purged everything
from the vainglorious
to the inglorious
released those ten pounds
that unfashionable wardrobe
the stringy hair, the bitten nails
rubbed off concealing makeup
threw off shoes that run (away)
when she unplugged the ipod
she heard music
when she took off
her rose-colored sunglasses
she saw a face and a whole body
when she broke the mirror
she found beauty

The Evil Scale

There is a horrifying number
between my feet.
It is one I have not seen before.

I have lightened myself
as much as I could so why
did I step up and look at the floor?

Denial, sacrifice, martyrdom, oh my!
I am adipose, apoplexic
and mortified.

Now my day is ruined
as I obsess over why.
One blissful meal and now I want to cry.

Why is it a sin to enjoy
the fruits of God's good earth?
Why does the scale take away my mirth?

I am innocent!
I don't deserve this I say.
After all, I exercised just yesterday.

You pig, you slug
into the mirror I say,
but the scale doesn't lie about how much I weigh.

There's Nothing Wrong With Your Face

I'm a new and devoted fan of singer/songwriter Ani DiFranco (thanks to my daughter knowing me so well). Her new CD has a song called "Present/Infant." I love these lyrics:

Lately I've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age I'd have thought of
something better to do
than make insecurity into a full-time job
make insecurity into an art

I fear my life will be over
and I will never have lived it unfettered
always glaring into mirrors
mad I don't look better

But now here's this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present/infant glee
and I would defend
to the ends of the eath
her perfect right to be

So I'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and I've got myself a new mantra
it says: don't forget to have a good time!
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face