Diane Vogel Ferri is a teacher, poet and writer. Her essays have been published in Scene Magazine, Cleveland Christmas Memories, Raven’s Perch, and by Cleveland State University among others. Her poems can be found in numerous journals. Her chapbook, Liquid Rubies, was published by Pudding House. The Volume of Our Incongruity was published by Finishing Line Press. Diane’s essay, “I Will Sing for You” was featured at the Cleveland Humanities Fest in 2018. Her novel, The Desire Path can be found on Amazon. She is a graduate of Kent State University and holds an M.Ed from Cleveland State University.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What's Your Heaven?

It's come to my attention that some people believe that our dear departed loved ones are up in heaven looking down on us, pecking at our window as a little bird, even moving our car keys as a heavenly practical joke. If this is true I would like to give my grandparents a day in heaven they will never forget - the shock of thier eternity - something to chat about while they're up there polishing their wings.
First I will dye my hair red so they won't be sure if it's really me. I'll throw all my recyclables in the trash and then get in the SUV. I'll drive without my seat belt on in an unknown direction until I'm lost (without consulting Mapquest first) I'll just be hoping that one of them will lead me safely home. If they don't come through I'll have to use my cell phone.
When I finally get home I'll get on the Internet and post a rumor that Brad and Angelina are breaking up and that their babies aren't even that cute. After that I'll go in the kitchen and put something metal in the microwave just to see it spark like hell. I'll watch a whole season of Project Runway that I Tivo'd while eating microwave popcorn instead of walking on my treadmill and then. . . . well, now that I think of it - if my grandparents care or even KNOW about any of these things well. . . they're definitely NOT in heaven.
PS - I hope some of you can take a joke :)


Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

This was funny.

One of the things that really bugs me is when people say, "I know that so and so (who recently died) is up in heaven helping our sports team win."

That is so NOT my idea of heaven.

Pat - An Arkansas Stamper said...

Oh, my! This is hilarious! And, yes, I can take a joke! :) Loved it!

CJM-R said...

That was great. Very clever!