Sunday, February 10, 2008

Whining and Pain

Today I am wondering why God made our bodies so complicated and fragile. I am not at church right now because I have a mysterious eye problem. My eyes are swollen and red and itchy for the third day. I look even older and more haggard than usual. I went to a family event yesterday and saw cousins I see only once a year. I wanted to say to everyone - I usually don't have these ginormous bags under my eyes ! But I didn't say anything.
I'm in a lot of leg-hip pain this week (and have been for the past year) My doctor had given me cortisone shots and they didn't work. He said - there's no room for pride in medicine, and I'm just going to tell you I don't know what's wrong. He's sending me to a rhematologist. I thanked him for his honesty. It was refreshing not have another useless perscription thrown at me. I will keep this doctor.
A few years ago I had back pain that continued to worsen. I was given a number of drugs and I tried rest and home remedies with no relief. I finally went to a physical therapist. He sat me on a table, had me stretch my legs out in front of me and asked me to look at them. One was shorter than the other! He leaned me back, put his arms around my body and yanked. Presto! He'd put my dislocated pelvis back where it belonged. Most of the pain was gone immediately. The doctor I had been seeking help from at the time had never even touched me or looked at me - just given me perscriptions that never would have put my pelvis back in place. Why? How hard could that have been? I struggled unnecessarily for months.
I haven't been able to do my yoga or put in my 1-2 miles of walking a day for almost 4 months and I feel like I'm in the wrong body. I'm somewhat depressed and completely lacking energy, and yet I know I have so much to be thankful for. I know that others are in much more pain and suffering than I am. It's a spiritual struggle every day between being thankful because I can carry on, I can walk (it just hurts) and having a pity party for myself because I can't do everythingI want to do right now.
I'm supposed to believe in miracles and that God can do anything, but I know He won't zap me with healing for my myriad of ailments (there are a few more). That's not the way He works. I live in the real world and in a human, fallible, vulnerable body. He'll help me get through the day, maybe guide me to the right physicians, teach me tolerance and compassion for those that suffer more than me. Maybe I'll learn to stop feeling sorry for myself or something else good will come of it. I don't know. Maybe somewhere in the blogosphere someone will read this and know the answer and we'll become life-long friends. Thanks for reading.


Daughter of Eve said...

'must admit I find it disturbing that you have a label just for disease. Sinister.
Sorry 'bout your seeming plethora of illnesses and that you missed church. Perhaps when the dr. adjusted your pelvis, it caused a sort of pandoric effect that has now traveled to your eyes?
Ever tried an A.K? They're the only kind of doctors I see. You can see if there's one near you at They can diagnose like no M.D. I've ever known.
That will be two cents, please.

Kelly Jene said...

Darn it. I knew the answer. Regrettably I suffer with a bad memory. Can we still be friends? *wink*

I ask the same questions myself though, so you are definitely not alone. I'm sorry you're suffering. It really does suck. lol

Did I tell you my legs are different lengths? I had them measured once at a chiropractor thingy at a fair. 1 1/2 inches difference! Wow! With the occasional popping coming from my hips area when I walk, I'm beginning to wonder!

Prayers are on the way!

Oh and thanks for commenting on the poem, I was extra curious what a fellow writer thought!

Edna said...

I'm sorry to learn that you are feeling so bad these days. I have some idea how you must feel about not going for your walk in over four months. There was a time when I walked an hour a day and it was almost the best time of the day for me. I just couldn't imagine not being able to go out for my walk. Walking is difficult for me now, but I keep telling myself that I must start again to use my indoor rowing machine. But I just haven't gotten around to it. Maybe this will help me to decide to use it again.
At first I was a somewhat worried about you. But, as usual, when I reread your post I realized that you already had your answer. Maybe what your really said between the lines was that you wished the answer were different?
I have some very good news about my book, ITS LIGHT IS THE LAMB. Ken Wilber, founder of the Integral Institute and one of the most influential integral theorist today, has posted an excerpt (Physicists and Mystics) from my book on his blog. For more information check out my blog:
Feel better and remember that God loves you more than you can ever imagine!

Anonymous said...

Hi! Diane;

I thought you looked great yesterday! A sight for sore eyes! I didn't know you had sore eyes.


P.S. Is this good medicine?